How To Say No

Do you ever feel a pressure to just say yes all time to everyone? Do you speak to fast at times and then regret answering right away later?

Many of us are on unconscious programs that determine and shape our lives. And if you are running a program that says yes to everyone and fears saying no then you are probably exhausted and secretly resentful.

In this article I’m going to share with you why we feel obligated to say yes to everything, how it affects us, and then how to overcome it.

Many of us unconsciously say yes to others even when we don’t mean it because we have programs that stem from childhood that say, “Say yes to everything or people won’t appreciate and like you.” It’s completely natural to want to fit into the environments we go into. However, compromising our own health and well-being to fit into the environment isn’t healthy but it’s what a lot of people end up doing. We feel uncomfortable telling people no and drawing boundaries because to do so may risk them being upset with us which means ostracization from the group.

Many people fear not being accepted and understood. They want to be liked. So when someone asks them to do a favor or give them a lending hand they unconsciously say yes, even if they secretly don’t want to. Because there is the childhood program that says, “In order to be loved and understood then you must agree to everything and everyone.” This stems from over demanding parents who only showed love and affection based off of certain actions.

As a child growing up in a home based off of conditional love we unconsciously learn to do the things that make our parents mostly likely to accept us. That includes doing things that secretly deep down we don’t want to do. This pattern then continues out in the world. We say yes, agree to things that we don’t want agree to, until finally we are overwhelmed and come to a breaking point. We must learn how to say no for our own well-being. If we don’t then we will suffer.

The consequences of not being able to say no are catastrophic. Firstly, we get exhausted. This is because we’ll end up doing favors for everyone except for ourselves. Secondly, we will secretly resent the people that we are doing favors for. Resentment is a natural reaction when we don’t know how to draw proper boundaries with others. We feel taken advantage of and victimized even though it is us who didn’t speak up when we could’ve. And finally, you’ll put all your own dreams and desires to the back burner. You’ll feel stuck and “behind” the track always racing to catch up because you’re doing a million different things for everyone but yourself.

Furthermore, you’ll end up breaking a lot of promises because you’ll say “Yes” to people but then you’ll overbook yourself, and then have to go back on your word. People will start to perceive you as being untrustworthy and incapable. You won’t be reliable. Remember, your yes’s and no’s are interdependent. When you can learn to say no your yes because more powerful. And when you learn to say yes your no become more powerful. If you say yes all the time and then only keep your promises half the time then your no’s will have the same amount of worth. The two are interdependent.

Now, how to move on?

#1 Learn to be OK with silence.

When someone asks you a question you don’t have to fill the silence right away. Pause, take a couple of breaths, sit with what they asked, and ask yourself if this is something that you really want to do. Ask them questions. You don’t have to commit to anything that anyone asks you to until you’ve made a promise.

#2 Renegotiate the terms if need be.

For instance, if someone asks you a favor and you feel they’re asking too much but you still want to offer help in some way then communicate that with them. Say, I cannot do what you’re originally asking but I’m willing to do some work. And the come to an agreement.

#3 Practice saying no to people for the sake of saying no.

Like anything else it may feel awkward and inauthentic at first. But just like anything else the more you practice and do it the better you will get at it until it just feels like 2nd nature to you. Now, don’t get into a habit of saying no all the time because that would defeat the purpose of the exercise. But just do this to get used to the initial feeling of saying no wherever.

Deepest Blessings and Pranams!

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