3 Roles of Life We Can Play

Have you ever seen people get caught up in certain roles. Someone is upset saying it’s not fair, while another one is saying, “You’re the problem.” Some people blame, others feel bad. And then there are those people who stand to be away from all of it, outside of the trauma, outside of the push and pull.

In all of life there are one of four roles that we can play. The first is the victim. The second is the persecutor. And the third is the rescuer. And the last is the observer, who doesn’t get caught up in any of these.

In this article I’m going to share with you how each role effects our relationships with one another and the world. Then I’ll share with you how all of them make you a victim and the subsequent emotions that flow from them, and then finally I’ll share with you the best position so you can be empowered and in full responsibility for your life and everything that happens around you.

The Karpman triangle refers to the three roles that we play in any given situation that affect the way we interact and feel with other people. The Karpman triangle is an excellent diagram to take to all of our social interactions if we want to understand what we’re doing and why we are doing it.

Role #1 Rescuer:

If you’re playing this role then you are always going around and “helping” or “nurturing” others. You take great pride in your ability to help heal and care for others. You find value in it. So much so that you neglect your own needs. You are known to always go the extra mile to help and support others. Yet, you have much trouble asking for support yourself. Even though deep down that is what you unconsciously crave. Rescuers believe that their needs are unimportant and irrelevant. This means that the only way they can legitimately connect with others, feel valued and have their needs met is through the back door of care-taking.

Rescuers become rescuers because underneath the surface there is an unconscious belief that they’re not worthy. They have a low sense of self-worth due to their neglect so if they could help heal and nurture others enough then that makes them feel valuable, and hence have worth which makes them lovable. Rescuers grow up in homes where their basic needs of love and acceptance are not met so instead they thing the have to perform some way to get that love. Deep down they believe that they will only be loved and appreciated if they’re giving in some way. They have a negative relationship to giving and receiving.

They may value the opinions of others or always give gifts but never speak up what they’re truly thinking or feeling and may not be assertive when people ask things like, “What do you want for Christmas this year?” Instead they just say, “I’m sure whatever you’ll get is fine. It’s not a big deal. I’ll take anything.” Rescuers have a hard time acknowledging their own preferences. It’s good to have values and preferences. Don’t just take anything that you get.

Role #2 Perpetrator:

The perpetrator is that individual who always knows what is going on, takes full responsibility for everything, and goes around commanding others even if it harms that other individual. They’re usually strict, and militant. They have deep feelings of worthlessness and hide their pain behind their authoritarian rule hoping that no one else will discover their true feelings. Rather then nurture others in the right way they try to force and manipulate others into their own will to get them to do the “right” thing.

Domination is their preferred method of engagement with others. Their story says that they are innocent bystanders in a dangerous world where others are always out to hurt them. It’s survival of the fittest and their only chance is to strike first. They remain in a constant state of defense.

Their greatest fear is powerlessness. Because they judge and deny their own inadequacy, fear and vulnerability, they will need some place else to project these disowned feelings. So they go out searching for a victim, or someone else to blame rather then owning what they’re really feeling or the vulnerability they’re feeling.

It is most difficult for someone in Persecutor to take responsibility for the way they hurt others. In their mind, others deserve what they get. These warring individuals tend to see themselves as having to constantly fight for survival. Theirs is a constant struggle to protect themselves in what they perceive as a hostile world.

Role #3 Victim:

The victim is the shadow aspect of the wounded and hurt inner child. That part of us that never was showed true love, care, and affection. The victim personality comes out when we have a need that is denied or met. We say to ourselves, “This always happens this way,” or “Life isn’t fair, I do everything but nothing works out.” Instead of taking ownership for the situation and asking ourselves, “What can I produce or create?” we get down about ourselves and think that life isn’t going to support us. And that’s because we hadn’t been supported in the past by our primary caretakers to the extent that we needed to have the most opportune life.

The victim mindset stems from the child within us that is still hurting. The Victims’ story says they can’t make it on their own and they prove it to themselves over and over on the triangle. They believe that they are innately defective and incapable and so spend their lives on the look-out for someone to “save” them.

Because they come from a victim mentality they think to themselves, “I must depend on others.” They become very needy in relationships and feel as if they cannot take proper care for themselves. In fact, they depend on the relationships of others so much so that they become resentful when others don’t meet their own outrageous needs.

How do we exit this unhealthy dynamic?

We take full responsibility for our life in each and every moment. And we can do this at any moment in our life. We can do it right now. If we are fully honest with ourselves and others then we step into a place of empowerment. When we are empowered and consciously choose this way of living we feel confident, bold, and in charge of our own life.

Deepest Blessings and Pranams!

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