Passive Aggressive? Why We Do It, True Power, and How To Get Through It

Have you ever wondered why certain people don’t engage in conflict? They always seem too nice and don’t engage in direct conflict however seem to act passive aggressively. What does it mean to be passive aggressive, what are the signs, why do people do it, and how do you deal with it?

Passive aggressive is form of engaging in conflict, however it is a form of indirect conflict. It is subtle and manipulative. Instead of addressing something and confronting an issue through direct confrontation and force a person will choose not to do something when they know a person needs or wants something from them. People who act passively aggressively do so because they’ve been conditioned or taught that to express anger is wrong. So instead of confronting situations directly they disregard the real issue and take action that effects the other person in an indirect way. We are all interconnected and in order for things to flow and work we have to acknowledge that interdependence. A passive aggressive person will make moves that disregard that interdependence. For instance, they may “forget” an appointment or an agreement. Act out anger like hitting doors or banging objects but then say nothing is wrong. Evading situations so that others are inconvenienced. Even getting sick to avoid doing something.

In order to understand passive aggressive people we first have to understand power.

What is power?

Power is the ability to act and control the course of events into one’s own liking.

Typically in the West and modern first world countries, we have a bad relationship and understanding of power. However, learning to exercise power is crucial if you want to create a life that you can enjoy and offer value to the world. However, we must understand power in the proper way. Too often we think of power with a give-or-take mentality. However, power can be mutual and integrative. Power comes down to mutual interests/desires and values. If you have something that other people desire, whether it be a skill, commodity, or resource then you have power. However, you only have power as much as other people desire that object. If there is no desire then there is no power. For example, a man may want sex while a woman wants love and affection. The woman gives the man sex as long as the man gives her affection. When the man no longer gives affection, the women withdraws or vice-versa. This is commonly referred to as a power play. This is how we traditionally think of power. A give and take dynamic.

A person who acts passively aggressively does so because they feel that it isn’t right to act out their anger. And two, they feel powerless or self-defeated. They think the only way that they can exercise control, or power, is by denying the other person what that other person truly wants. Instead of directly confronting the person about the real issue they hold the other person’s desire above them. Simply put this is called manipulation.

When it comes to understanding power we first have to understand that power isn’t something intrinsic, it always happens in relation between two or more parties. Power has to do with the relational process. How two or more parties relate to one another. In any relationship the best way you can keep it harmonious is to keep a balance of power in between all parties. How to do this? Keep in constant coherent communication. Direct communication that is.

All relationships revolve around needs. Each person has a need or needs and the other person fulfills it and vice-versa. Needs and desires however change over time. And when they do there must be clear effective communication between both parties or else things will get out of balance.

For instance, let’s say that a man loves a woman deeply because of her looks and the woman loves the man deeply because of his money. This may be a superficial example but it works. If the woman suddenly comes into a large inheritance of money then she may not feel an attraction to him anymore. The woman backs off because she no longer needs anything from that man. The man feels this repulsion and gets confused and feels fear over losing her. He then strives to make more and more money to “win” her back so he can regain the balance of power. If no clear communication occurs then the situation can spiral quickly into chaos.

Clear communication seems to be a scary thing for many people to do. It’s like we’d rather just go and yell at someone else instead of confront the issue directly.

Why?

Because many of us grew up in home where we weren’t allowed to confront the real issue at hand. We couldn’t speak up or voice our true opinion so we learned to quiet ourselves or just speak out against them to another, also known as gossip. Gossip is another tactic used by passive aggressive people to vent their frustrations and chaos around the perpetrator instead of confronting them directly.

How to deal with passive aggressive people?

Confront them directly but in a loving manner. Ask them why they cannot confront you directly. Ask them if they feel anxious or fearful about speaking about the real issue at hand. Communicate to them clear, concisely, and effectively. Share with them that you care about their opinion, you care about their feelings, and that you care about resolving the situation that makes them happy. Clear communication is key to resolving conflict with passive aggressive people.

Deepest Blessings and Pranams!

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