People Pleasing: Why We Do It and How To Stop

Are you the person whose always been the life of the party? Always feel like you know everyone, and everyone wants to be your friend? Are you getting sick of this role and having trouble creating life the way you want it?

While playing this role it can be self-aggrandizing to the ego in terms of life it doesn’t get us that far. In terms of relationships it may give us many however, if you’re a people-pleaser and stuck in this mode then chances are most of your relationships are superficial and aren’t satisfying. For many of you going through the awakening process you should check into your being and seeing if you do this.

At one point in my life I was a people pleaser. I always knew what to say and what to do to make others happy. However, I did this at the expense of my own happiness, and without knowing it. It wasn’t until life forced me to reevaluate my relationships and my identity did I realize that I wasn’t happy and that I felt lonely and dis empowered.

Why do we do this then? Why is it so easy to get caught up in people pleasing? Where does this pattern come from and why do we continue to do it if it makes us miserable?

Firstly, most of us don’t know that we’re doing it. We have no idea that we’re feeling unhappy on this inside and just people pleasing on the outside. It’s buried to deep and our behaviors are too superficial. The world reacts to how we act towards it. Unless you have the rare opportunity to come into contact with an enlightened being most people will just react to what you put out there.

So why do we do it?

#1 Safety.

What’s safety got to do with it? Everything. As a people-pleaser we want everyone to like us. Why do we want everyone to like us? Because it feels good to be liked and appreciated. However, this isn’t a real liking or appreciation it’s a fake and superficial appreciation. It’s merely a reaction and there is nothing truly authentic about reactions other then the fact that it’s a person’s immediate response, albeit it’s very primitive and does not come from a place of deep meaning and value.

We people please because we’re afraid of rejection and rebuke. We subconsciously tell ourselves, “OK if I’m just nice to everyone, stay in my box and do what I’m told then no one will hurt me by rejecting me or rebuking me.” We get so terrified of rejection and denial that we never even try to do new things.

We think that if we put a fake smile on everyone’s face then people will give us love and support even if it just superficial. And that’s usually what happens. We get to a point in our life where we are broken, uncertain, and scared. And we find out that many of the people who we thought were a part of our inner circle are just playing for fun. There isn’t any true support or care, it’s all been superficial. And because of that we feel lonelier then ever.

This problem stems from our inner child. Our inner child is wounded and hurt. When you come into this life you show up as an unbridled and unconditional soul. You speak your truth, you follow your passion, and there are no doubts about where you want to go. You trust those around you and you live authentically in the world. This is our natural state. However, at some point everything gets flipped upside down. We learn to hide our true selves and passion. We learn to not trust the people around us and we close up, which creates deep pain and longing. We do this either because of rejection or mistreatment. Maybe we have a parent or caretaker who hurts or abuses us, and we learn to shutdown. We learn that our passions and values aren’t valued out there in the world.

We realize that in order for us to be truly loved or seen then it is better to not be who we truly are, because that part gets rejected. So we subconsciously say to ourselves, “Better to not be and act who we truly are in this world and be seen then to be who we truly are and never be recognized.” We learn to play it “safe.”

We’re scared of rejection and not being seen so we shut down our true self. The inner child lives in the sacral chakra. And not being in touch with it is the cause for all the addictions that we have. The pain of not being who we truly are in this world is so great that we have to distract ourselves with sex, alcohol, gambling, food, work, anything that takes us away from the pain. We aren’t conscious of this pain but it’s there and its shadow manifests in the world. Take a look at your addictions in life and ask yourself, “Why am I really doing this? What am I trying to avoid?”

So how do we bring this part of our inner child back on?

We care for it, we coddle it, we listen to it. We have to go back into the original traumas and memories that made our inner child hide deep within us. Imagine it as another person, yet still a part of you. Go back in your memory and ask it to come out. Talk to it like you would another human being and say to it, “I want to get to know you again. I care for you. I love you and I want to hear you.” If it’s reluctant to come forward that’s OK. The only reason for this is because it’s been locked away for so long. You locked it away because you needed to in order to survive in the world. But now it deserves to be recognized and seen.

Like all relationships it takes time and energy. And you haven’t given this part of you any time or energy. So naturally it may be a little distrustful. In time you will build an active relationship and you will see how much happier, passionate, and carefree you will be.

And when you’re carefree you are bold. You say what you mean and you don’t apologize. And there’s no fear there. You’re not afraid to be bold, assertive, and say what you mean because you accept yourself now. And when you accept yourself fully you don’t need anyone else in the world to accept you. And that’s a beautiful space to be in.

If you’d like to start building a relationship with your inner child and allowing more joy, peace, and love into your life then please contact me. If you’ve shut your inner child away for a long time then it’s going to take a bit of time to come forward. But when you have a powerful and caring and compassionate energy coming to the front it comes out quicker, because it feels safe.

Deepest Blessings and Pranamams!

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