Perfectionism: Why We Do It and How to Get Over It

Ever feel like you can’t be good enough? Feel like you’re working so hard yet there is something within you that tells you you need to be and do better?

In this article I will share with you the signs of perfectionism, where our need for being perfect comes from, how it damages us, and how to move on.

Perfectionism is rampant within the modern world. At every street corner and webpage we are met with an advertisement that is somehow conveying to us that we are not good enough or that we are lacking somewhere.

In any capitalistic environment the market thrives on selling. And it can only sell if it convinces you to buy. And you will only buy if you feel like you “need” something. Whether that need is to lose 15 pounds, get a facelift, or higher degree. But before we go deeper into what creates our need for being perfect we will first go into the signs of perfectionism.

#1 You aren’t ever content with yourself or your performance unless you are perfect or near perfect.

Pretty simple. If you don’t get an A plus then you’re deeply disappointed in yourself. Now there is nothing wrong with having high standards for yourself. Having excellent standards is very important however if you punish yourself for not being near perfect then this shows that something is wrong. To illustrate this better I’ll give you an example. Let’s say that you study real hard for a test and get an A minus instead of an A plus. The perfectionist in this situation will get upset and punish themselves somehow for not performing. However, the healthy person may still be disappointed that they didn’t get the grade they desired yet they will still be able to be kind to their own being. They will still be proud of themselves for performing as best as they could. They will be able to recognize that they did everything within their own power to get the best grade possible and somehow there were variables outside of their control that kept them from getting the grade they desired. The difference between the two is the first person inflicts abuse upon themselves taking on the blame while the second person recognizes that they did the best they could and is still proud of their own performance even though they didn’t get what they wanted to.

#2 You look down upon others when they don’t perform as well as you.

This shows that you are in competition with others as well as yourself. There is nothing wrong with competition however when you look down upon others for not performing as well as you then something is clearly wrong. You get upset with others for not “putting out” as much as you. You take pride in being better then others and you use your performance as a way to hold yourself above others. Anytime we have to perform better then others to make ourselves feel better about ourselves then we have something related to self-hate. And self-hate usually stems from not being loved from ourselves or our primary care takers when we grew up. When we aren’t shown that proper amount of care or love are mind comes up with reasons for as to why we aren’t being loved. And usually that reason revolves around self-worth and performance. The mind says that if we perform better or near perfect then our primary caretakers will give us the love that we so deeply desire. We then perform intensely on the outside in hopes of “winning” the love and affection of others never realizing that there are people in this world who give it unconditionally.

#3 You are easily jealous of others who seem to have “more” or perform “better” then you.

A person who is satisfied with themselves and their performance will do things for the sake of doing them. They won’t worry about what others are doing or get caught up in another’s work. They will not be competing with anyone else. They will only be competing with themselves and make sure that they themselves are doing better and better. Their satisfaction comes with their own perceived improvement and not their own comparisons with others.

Where does perfection come from though?

Like many things it comes from our own childhood and what we were or weren’t given. Some of us may have been given us overbearing parents who wanted to live out their own desires through us vicariously. If this was the case, then we always had pressure placed on us to perform better and better. We were rewarded for performing well and punished for not performing up to par.

We subconsciously learn that love will only be attained if we are the best, in fact better then others. That is why we get jealous of others or look down upon those who perform better than us instead of encouraging them to become their best too. We look at them as a threat to the love that we want to attain.

The other situation is that we had parents who never paid attention to us unless we performed well. As a human being with a natural need to be loved and appreciated we do whatever we think will give us these things. If we had parents who only paid attention to us when we performed our best then we learned that love and attention is contingent upon perfection.

So what do we do? We end up beating ourselves up whether it be our bodies, minds, or spirits in order to get the compliments and attention of others because we think that is love. In reality love is completely unconditional and unattached. By its very nature it is self sufficient and doesn’t need anything outside of itself.

So how do we move on from perfectionism?

Firstly, we need to go into the emotions and memories where we weren’t given love or acceptance unconditionally. It’s natural to desire love and affection, it’s a basic human need. However, when we aren’t given it unconditionally by our caretakers this can be extremely painful and hurtful. So much so that our being naturally shuts down the heart and we suppress the pain to start going after things that we think will give us this love and affection. We have to go into the pain of the original trauma and feel into the time when we weren’t shown love.

Secondly, once we feel into this pain we then have to acknowledge that we are worthy of love and affection despite our performance. Just because the amount of love and affection we received was dependent upon our performance doesn’t mean that it has to be that way anymore. Ironically, once you acknowledge this you will find that your performance and abilities increase. And you will find that you will start attracting people into your life that already show love to you no matter what. Once you heal your own wounds you attract other people who have healed their or who never had them.

Deepest Blessings and Pranamams!

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